T H E B E E F I N T E R V I E
W
Meet Diddley Squat, the First Critter to Run for
President
Looking for an alternative
to Bush, Gore, Nader, and Buchanan? Vote "Hamster" on November
7th.
BEEF
Diddley, how
much does the public have a right to know about a candidate's personal
history? And, how much do you think the public has a right to know about
your personal history?
Diddley Squat
Two part question:
(1) I do
not believe there is an explicit obligation on the part of a candidate
for public office to reveal the intimate details of his or her life. On
the other hand, voters might well feel that some specific matter
(health, for instance) is sufficiently important that they would choose
to withhold their votes from a candidate who does not provide the
desired information. Let the voters decide.
(2)
Because I have lived all my life in a wire cage, it may surprise people
to know that I am a strong advocate of personal privacy. However, I am
equally adamant in my opposition to government secrecy. I do believe
that as a public official, my conduct is of concern to the nation, and
to that end, Yarash Junior and I have discussed at length the idea of
installing little web-cams all over the White House so that, if we are
elected, the public can see everything that happens, day and
night...
BEEF
With
the recent news about Bush's 1976 DUI, a candidate's past has become an
issue in the campaign. Do people
have a right to know if a candidate has done anything illegal in his
past?
Diddley Squat
Yes I do. This involves the law.
And it involves hypocrisy, more often than not. In the past 20 years,
approximately a million people have been sent to prison, many of them
charged with possessing substances that one well-known politician admits
he smoked "but did not inhale" and another says he "has not used" since
1974. The real issue here should be whether persons in positions of
authority are actually willing to put others behind bars for what they
themselves have done.
BEEF
During this
campaign, many candidates have been talking about upholding the dignity
of the office. Can you tell BEEF readers about how you can do
that better than Al Gore and George W. Bush can?
Diddley Squat
In the present election cycle,
the term "dignity of the office" tends to be a code word for sexual
misconduct. But there are many other things that ought likewise to be
considered ill-suited to the office. Lying and deceit fall into this
category, as does unjust aggression, making material profit from one's
position, and infringing on the civil liberties of others, to name just
a few.
A hamster
administration will have no secrets, tell no lies, disregard the rights
of no one, and refrain from violence. Furthermore, both Yarash Junior
and I have offered to serve free of monetary compensation, asking only
modest amounts of nutritious hamster food and an occasional treat. And I
can assure you that we are both rodents of sterling moral
character.
BEEF
The debates
earlier this fall frequently focused on whether each of the candidates
have raised questions about the experience one needs to be President of
the United States. A hamster has never held the office of the
presidency, and that fact alone raises many questions. Why are you
qualified to run this country?
Diddley Squat
The answer to this question is
probably as surprising as it is simple. We feel that our lack of
experience is a factor in our favor. Common sense tells us that the
longer someone is a part of the political power structure, the more
addicted to power that person becomes and the more likely to abuse it.
The candidate best qualified to serve the nation is the one closest to
the people who elect him/her. By definition, that excludes career
politicians.
BEEF
Jim Lehrer of
the PBS program News Hour opened the presidential debate at Wake
Forest with the following question for George W. Bush: "Have you formed
any guiding principles for exercising this enormous power?" If you had
been allowed to participate in the debates, what would have been your
answer?
Diddley Squat
Hamsters have strong anarchistic
tendencies. Do not expect us to use combat forces, leveraged economic
aid, propaganda, or even diplomacy to bully other countries. By giving
respect, we gain respect. And we earn ourselves enemies by treating
others as enemies.
BEEF
Forieign
policy is always an important part of the presidency. Considering the
conflict in the Middle East, what do you think the United States should
do right now to help bring about peace? Will there ever be a day when
hamsters will be required to enlist in our military forces?
Diddley Squat
Another two-part question:
(1) Since
the early days of the cold war era, the largest share of American
military and economic assistance has gone to that one region.
Yet there
is no peace. Given large enough amounts of money and a sufficient period
of time, a powerful government can create problems that the most
brilliant mind in the world cannot solve.
The Middle East illustrates my point. In fact, a campaign
worker (my great-aunt Sophie) headed up a research team that studied the
question and found that confrontations have increased in direct
proportion to outside involvement. This involvement will cease under a
hamster administration. The results won't be noticeable immediately, but
eventually you will see that both sides will be well served by a
mutually-bartered solution that is theirs and theirs alone.
(2)
Compulsory military service is contrary to everything rodents stand
for.
BEEF
Although the
new president of our country will have to face problems overseas, he or
she will also have to deal with U.S. issues, such as hamster
discrimination. As President, how would you deal with these
problems?
Diddley Squat
Yarash and I have the lowest
"negative polling" numbers of anyone in the current presidential
campaign. In other words, the percentage of the population having an
unfavorable opinion of us is close to zero. We cannot force anyone to
love us, of course, but we can set an example that will go along way
toward raising the status of rodents. In fact, we hope that the process
has already begun by means of our campaign.
BEEF
Thank you,
Diddley. And best of luck during the rest of the campaign. Send our best
to your V.P. and partner in crime, Yarash.
Diddley
Squat
Thank you again for contacting us. Vote "Hamster" on
November 7th.
