Diddley Squat VII
Meet the next President of the United States! The amazing young candidate was born on the 17th of July, 2019 and aspired to the White House while still a juvenile. Diddley is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Louie and Ruby Squat. He offers qualities that no previous presidential candidate, particularly those in the last election, could ever hope to possess. He's humble, honest, decent, kind, compassionate, highly intelligent without being a "know-it-all," patient, tolerant, and peace-loving. Moreover, he is as warm and fuzzy and sweet-natured as he is cute. He knows nothing of greed, violence, regime-change, wars, invasions and provocations. He detests nuclear weapons (any weapons, really), citizen surveillance, government secrecy, and the whole idea of playing global-cop.
As the true peace candidate, the Hon. Diddley Squat intends to reduce foreign military bases from 1,000 to zero, to kill off the dreaded NATO alliance, and to attain global peace and disarmament. The so-called "peace dividend" will be huge, sufficient to house the earths's population, including humans, rodents, and many other benign creatures, in luxury, with plenty of food and free health care for one and all.
Peace must also begin at home, Diddley says, and police abuse of citizens will be halted on his watch. The imprisoned innocents will be set free, including those over-charged and over-sentenced under our current (broken) justice system. This will leave plenty of room in penitentiaries across the country for dirty, aggressive, tricky, and over-zealous prosecutors with the unfortunately-common "win at any cost" attitude. The death penalty will be no more under Diddley's leadership. He thinks that snuffing out people's lives with publicity and fanfare is a terrible way to teach the public that murder is wrong. You may say now that you will never commit a serious crime. But can you be as certain you will never be accused of a serious crime? Think about that when you head for the polls on election day.
And think about how your tax dollars are being spent, making Wall Street rich and working folks poor. Think of the nation's crumbling and often-dangerous infrastructure, so long neglected for the benefit of the military-industrial complex. Think of all the wasted chances we've had for world peace over the past 75 years and even before.... In fact, the concept of peace and civility has been habitually breached since before the first World War. Keep that in mind when you go to the polls. And think, too, how close you are right now, closer than ever in history, to a third!
Who's paying attention to these crucial things? Diddley Squat and Monaham are, that's who. Vote Hamster on election day, 3 November 2020. Seriously, the Hamster Party is the only safe alternative in the campaign.
|
Monaham
Monaham for Vice President! Diddley Squat has made a wise choice with this youthful fellow, a studious but outgoing and extremely well-mannered diplomat.
Monaham is completing an education that will rival anything any candidate has ever brought to the office. He is now doing an online course, Advanced Viscosity Studies, which is a subset of fluid dynamics and possibly a future prerequisite for classes in hematology. To explain, hematology is the study of blood. Fluid dynamics is a science concerning the motion of liquids and gases. And viscosity is (per the Wikipedia definition) "is a measure of [a fluid's] resistance to gradual deformation by shear stress or tensile stress. For liquids, it corresponds to the informal concept of 'thickness'." It then gives the example that honey has greater viscosity than water.
These aren't purposeless studies, something that will give opponents the opening they need to label Monaham "just another pointy-headed intellectual." He's learning because these are things he can apply to his role as top adviser to the President of the United States. And a primary concern common to all hamsters, especially the politically sophisticated, is world peace.
Monaham points out that the United States is bounded north and south by two adjoining neighbors, and there is no rational cause to be concerned about either of them starting a war with us. On the east and west, we are separated from the rest of the world by two vast oceans. Some say that this is the reason the country never learned to get along with others. But Monaham sees it as evidence that the US should not worry about invasions and should cut by one hundred percent its military presence in the world - from over 800 bases in 70 countries (not counting NATO stuff and less-permanent "military installations," of which there are hundreds).
The alternative to make the country safer than it already is, he says, is to position hamsters at distant intervals along both borders and both coasts. This is where the viscosity studies come in.
Incredibly, there are people who fear hamsters. The fear of hamsters, known as cricetinophobia (from the Latin cricetinae for hamster, phobia for fear) is considered an illness by psychologists and is mostly confined to a fear of being bitten by a hamster. It is a growing phenomenon among untreated cricetinophobes and people who have little experience with hamsters. These types tend to mentally picture a hamster bite as illustrated below.
So this is where the fluid dynamics, viscosity studies, and hematology come in. They are bascially a foundation for a policy that uses the threat of hamster bites, exaggerating and exciting human vulnerabilities to cricetinophobia.
If we can come up with a calculation of what kind of bite produces what kind of bleeding, and how long it takes the blood to clot, we may be able to create an adequate national defense consisting of the perception - only the perception - of weaponized hamster teeth. And that should suffice to discourage any (extremely unlikely) attempt to invade the United States.
|
